Weight A Minute

DISCLAIMER: Before I even begin, let it be known that I am writing this post for Me, Myself, and I. Just them, nobody else. I need to self-reflect, contemplate my motivation, and refocus my efforts. I am not, I repeat not, writing this for sympathy and/or fishing for compliments. I just need to do this for myself.

Weight....more specifically, being overweight. It has been an issue I have struggled with for as long as I can remember. My self-esteem has suffered from it. My confidence, also, has suffered from it. And, although I feel ashamed admitting it, my self-worth has sometimes suffered from it too. I absolutely hate that a number on the scale has so much power over me, but it does. I have tried the whole "hiding the scale and not letting myself know how much I weigh until I weigh in at Weight Watchers every week" thing. That doesn't work. The scale always magically managed to reappear. And not only that, I am obsessive about getting on it every morning. It is annoying and I know it's not mentally healthy and I know that weight fluctuates drastically based on the time of day, what I eat, yadda yadda yadda. But it's a cold, hard fact that if I see a "good number" on the scale I'm in a better mood than if I see a "bad one." Mark hates it and I don't blame him. All I can say is, c'est la vie...at least for me.

Now, I admit that I'm not a big fat cow. I will even go as far as saying that some people may even look at me and think I'm not overweight. I will also give myself a pat on the back, as there was a time in my life that I was much heavier than I am now and through lots of hard work and dedication, managed to get rid of a lot of the weight and actually liked the way I looked. It didn't come easy and I am proud of myself for it. I am proud as hell. I genuinely acknowledge all of that.

And I think that is precisely why I have become obsessive-compulsive about my weight. Because I know what it feels like to be a much bigger person. A person that feels so isolated and so sad and so out of control. I know what it feels like to not be able to go out without wondering what other people are thinking and saying about you. I know what it feels like to be jealous of friends who are dating and have the confidence to go out and meet people. I know what it feels like to look in the mirror and start crying just because you don't like what you see. I know what it feels like to be fat. And I never want that for myself again. It doesn't matter what other people say about how much weight I've lost, how good I look, how impressed they are, etc. Granted, those things are nice to hear and obviously do good for my self-esteem. But deep down, I have to believe those things too. I'm not there yet. Close, but not at the finish line.

According to Weight Watchers (and my doctor - trust me, I tried getting out of the "ideal weight range" Weight Watchers gave me and my doc gave me the same estimate), my ideal goal weight should be about 25 pounds lighter than I am now. 25 pounds. That is nothing compared to what I've lost in the past. The lowest weight I ever remember being was 17 pounds away from that goal. But, that was pre-honeymoon and pre-pregnancy. Yea, you know how it goes.

But even during those periods of slight weight gain since hitting my lowest weight prior to my wedding, I have maintained a sense of diligence with regards to nutrition and exercise. I truly have maintained a different, healthier lifestyle since first starting Weight Watchers all those years ago. Although I put on a few pounds during our honeymoon (I mean, who wouldn't, given 2 1/2 weeks in Hawaii?!) I was okay with it and lost almost all of it shortly after coming home. I was "good" even during my pregnancy. One of my first thoughts shortly after becoming pregnant was, "Oh shit, Weight Watchers says I can't do their program if I'm pregnant. Now what?!" I felt lost and completely thrown to the dogs to figure it out on my own. I so didn't want to become "one of those girls" that used pregnancy as an excuse to eat. So I paid for a consult with a nutritionist, used her advice for what to eat, and continued to exercise regularly. I worked hard at staying healthy and I did well until the end of the 9 months when I was so freakin' huge (not to mention depressed from being on "house rest") that I honestly had trouble visualizing a cheeseburger and fries having any impact whatsoever on my weight. But again, you know how it goes...

So, 38 pounds heavier and baby in arms, I headed back to Weight Watchers when Anthony was about 4 weeks old. I dropped the first 30 pounds easily. And now, here I sit, at "post-honeymoon weight" trying to push past that magic number that I seem to continuously stumble over on my quest to the finish line. I have been stumbling for almost a year now. I should be happy and proud that I've been able to maintain a weight for that long. I am, but I'm not. For the first time ever, I feel like my goal is within reach now. For so long, it seemed unattainable. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel, but I'm finding it really difficult to sprint towards it because "look at how far you've come, Dina. Just be happy with yourself. You look great." It's far to easy to become complacent on this journey, especially (for me) with a husband, a kid, such a supportive family, and a network of people that I can't seem to call "friends" unless they like drinking as much as I do. Oh wait, that's another post... But anyway, I digress.

I AM NOT A QUITTER. I will get to the finish line, but recognize that the journey will never truly be over. I will always have to be conscious about nutrition and exercise. And most importantly, I will have to learn to accept who I am for who I am. Once I hit my goal weight, I need to be happy with that and I'm pretty confident that I will be. I think the fact that it's really the only major thing in my life that I've started and haven't finished is what really bugs me. I think it's also because I now know what it feels like to like how you feel and I want that for myself again. I owe it to Anthony. I owe it to Mark. But most importantly, I owe it to myself. I want to set a good example for Anthony so that he doesn't grow up with the same insecurities that I still struggle with. I want to be a size 10. I want to die knowing that I did all that I could to lead a healthy life. Family medical history isn't in my favor, so I have to do all that I can. I want to sit in my Weight Watchers meeting and have people think to themselves, "Why is she here? She doesn't need to be here." I want all of that. And, I will have it...because I am not a quitter.

Once I get to my goal weight, it will go on my elite list of things that I am most proud of - ranked right up there with giving birth to my son and earning my Master's. None of it came/comes easy. But in the end, it is all worth it and I am a better person for it. I must keep that in mind.